Doodlecat's Horoscope - Your Stars for 2015
What! No awards? Waiting to be discovered is just so 2014. With Jupiter in your house of fame and romance until August 11, take your PR campaign into your own hands. Launch your own YouTube channel. Pose for a glamorous photo shoot wearing nothing but a Buff and a loin cloth; then bomb the outdoors community with your gorgeous shots. The results will astound you, and recognition is assured. Your major love moments come from February 20 to March 17, when Mars and Venus are both in Aries. We’re talking proposals … but beware propositions; a tall bearded man will accost you and offer you sloe gin in return for sex. Refuse.
You will make huge strides on a personal project in May, mostly in an eastward direction. Saturn is on a three-year tour through your house of travel and adventures, so foreign trips are very much on the cards, but avoid Africa. An uncontained outbreak of the Band Aid virus is once again rampant on that unhappy continent. A total lunar eclipse in Aries (April 4th) will herald a run of good luck. If you want to be rich (and what Aries doesn’t?) your Lottery windfall will come on Saturday 9th May. The winning numbers will be 03, 11, 15, 26, 39, 48, but don’t tell everyone or your share of the Jackpot will be pitifully small.
Lucky toothpaste: Macleans Freshmint
Lucky underwear: M&S
You have been a light and flighty soul in 2014 but 2015 is a different story. It’s depth you crave now, and relationships that can stand the test of time. On the domestic front Jupiter is snuggled up on your sofa until August, giving you ample opportunities to bond with friends and family. Make sure that you have plenty of drinks and nibbles in the sideboard as chez Taurus will be a hotspot for dinner parties, drop-in guests, and family visitors until the autumn. Book the carpet cleaning company now as latecomers will be wearing peaty boots. Any offer to teach you how to play the oboe should be politely declined.
Romance is in the air as Saturn embarks on a three-year tour through your house of intimacy and seduction. Your love life could get seriously sexy, but tread the line between lust and love carefully. A bearded man will offer you sex in return for sloe gin and whisky. Refuse - despite many friends heading north in early summer, you’ll have lots of opportunity for romance later. On August 11 Jupiter bursts into your house of amour for an entire year! Holy romantic overload! And lucky, lucky Taurus could come into some real money in 2015. Doodlecat’s tip : hook up with an Aries in May.
Lucky garment: The Buff
Lucky foot cream: Gewohl
Now is the time to get that Uber app on your phone Gemini, you’re going to need it. Jupiter (yes, old Jove again) restores your social-butterfly status in the first half of 2015, and your evening calendar fills quickly. With your face popping up on every style blogger’s Instagram feed, this is your year for pushing your blogging profile to the fore. An award? Could be! A creative collaboration could also spell money in the bank before August. Think ‘down’ and feather your nest. Avoid Saggitarians, though, or it could be tar & feather!
With energizer Mars in Gemini from May 11 to June 24, you’ll have lots of momentum for the challenge ahead. But from June 14 to September 17, it’s work, work, work – luckily school’s out, so enslave your children and put your feet up. As for romance, 2015 could usher in a serious soulmate and Venus in Gemini from April 11 to May 7 will be a romantic hotspot - but after that beware. On the 8th May a bearded man will offer you slow sex in return for gin. Refuse. Mercury is retrograde in Gemini from May 18 to June 11 and you should refrain from bicycling. That unicycle is a definite no no!
Lucky Shampoo: Timotei
Lucky footwear: Espadrilles
Bountiful Jupiter and taskmaster Saturn are teaming up, and you have more creative energy than you know what to do with, but there is disappointment in store in May when the BBC turn down your idea for a new light entertainment format. I know, you thought you had come up with exactly the right ingredients for a big Saturday night success. Gurning Geordies, physical and mental torture, half remembered legends eating dehydrated tucker. The TGO Challenge seemed such a great idea. Maybe when the threat of Scottish secession recedes the beeb will be more receptive.
Never mind. When Jupiter moves into your third house for a year on August 11, life becomes playful and fun again. With Saturn out of your romance house for the first time since October 2012, you could win the game of love this year. There may be one last challenge from Cupid between June 14 and September 17 as Saturn backtracks into your love zone for the last time. A bearded man will offer you socks and ginseng in return for slothful sex. Refuse.
Lucky soap: Camay
Lucky fruit: Kumquat
You’ll be the name on everyone’s lips in 2015 – and that doesn’t mean your name is Max Factor. You’re hosting magnanimous Jupiter in your sign until August 11, a once-a-decade gift from the stars that puts you and your talents in the spotlight. You’ll need to work more independently this year, so don’t bother going in to work. Develop plans and projects from your settee while Jupiter is retrograde until April 8; then, and only then, phone the office. The financial gains will come after August 11 when Jupiter moves on to Virgo and your first Giro arrives.
Love is the area of life that will require the most work this year. Cosmic coach Saturn is spending year one (of three) in your fifth house of romance, bringing some reality checks and some maturity. You could settle into a serious relationship. The trouble is, Leo, you like the ups and downs. A bearded man will offer you simple companionship, but you’ll want a new way to get your kicks and demand sex and gin. Be warned, Venus will be retrograde in Leo from July 31 until September 6, and he will spurn your advances.
Lucky carpet: Axminster
Lucky pet: Gerbil
Aaaaaand Relax! Time to stop the world and get off. Both Jupiter and Saturn are to blame for this celestial sabbatical. Saturn has parked in your domestic fourth house for three years, and with Jupiter cruising through your dreamy, un-grounded 12th house until August 11, you’re feeling uncharacteristically nomadic. If there were ever a year to backpack across Scotland, this would be it. The Hanwag Competition closes on Jan 17th. Enter it now!
But really, Virgo, your New Year doesn’t start until August 11. On that day, lucky, larger-than-life Jupiter bursts into Virgo until September 2016. Your focus is back, and you’re ready to tackle a fresh chapter of life. Your gift for speaking to animals will, however, be revealed as a fraud. A bearded man will offer you sloe gin and sex. Accept only the gin, which taken in sufficient quantity and combined with a solar eclipse in Virgo on September 13 will make you an unstoppable force of nature.
Lucky cocktail: Screwdriver
Lucky screwthread: Whitworth
It’s all about who you know in 2015, Libra, and by the time the year is half through, you will have added a lot of people to your friend list. The question is: Are they the right people? On April 4, a lunar eclipse in Libra helps you step forward and shine as a star. Got an idea for a video project? Bring it to life before August 11 — you might even crowdfund it. This is a great year for Libran media types to self-publish on the web. An award is a strong possibility.
As for amour, a Mars-Venus pairing makes you extra attractive from February 20 to March 17. Your cosmic ruler, Venus, is retrograde from July 25 to September 6, which could bring a lull. A bearded man will knock at your door and offer to dance the Hokey Cokey with you. Beware. This is a ruse to persuade you to hold hands with him and on no account allow him to put his left leg in. Offer him sloe gin and he will go away. Fortunately, Venus will visit your sign from November 8 until December 4, helping you get romance back on track. Strike while the iron is still sizzling!
Lucky firework: Roman Candle
Lucky projection: Mercator
Saturn has left your sign. Now is the time to have that unsightly growth removed and indeed all aspects of plastic surgery are well starred. Perfection has always seemed something that eluded you - not this year. Time to pick your nose!
Your concerns for the environment will take second place to your need to indulge yourself with a large and powerful motor car. From June 14 until September 17, Saturn has one last visit Scorpio. You could hit an old environmental speed bump, but this time you’ll cast guilt aside and race past it. Poop poop! Jupiter, also planet of luck and expansion, will spend much of 2015 in your 10th house of success and ambition. To make progress just put your best foot forward, followed by the other one – and repeat.
Verbs and nouns are well starred but adjectives should be avoided on Twitter and Facebook, where all descriptors are strictly 'verboten' in case of another misunderstanding involving the police. In love, pace yourself and set bigger goals with your partner. Single? The solar eclipse on March 20 could bring a mysterious bearded man with an intriguing proposition. Stick with him, and with Venus in Scorpio from December 4-30, you’ll wrap the year on a romantic high.
Lucky bird: Cockatiel
Lucky soup: Cock a Leekie
With Jupiter the jet-setting planet cruising through your ninth house of adventure perhaps it's time to break the mould and try a new savoury snack, or maybe a new fragrance. Dare to be different (no, not that different - if you discover those secret messages in a Wainwright guide, act on them at your peril). A gift you bought an elderly relative in December is set to haunt you – have your excuses ready.
You could make a mint from a publishing project or entrepreneurial venture as Jupiter moves on to your 10th house of career for a year on August 11. Crowdfunding is well starred. While love could take a backseat to your ambitions, it doesn’t have to. At an awards bash you have a chance meeting with a style blogger. One or maybe both of you will feel a lot better afterwards.
Lucky plant: Wormwood
Lucky devil: Beelzebub
2015 sees lucky Jupiter in your powerful eighth house, you’ll feel power coursing through body and mind, but take care. Your ruling planet, Saturn, is slipping into a three-year sabbatical in your 12th house, calling for privacy and healing. Colonic irrigation is especially well starred, although you should be careful to choose the most sympathetic looking therapist to control the water pressure. Whilst on the subject of health and beauty, now is definitely not the time to get that tattoo, especially as your local tattoo artist will be under the influence of mischievous Mercury. You have been warned!
Jupiter’s tour of your seductive eighth house lasts until August 11. A bearded man will come into your life with promises of strong drink and soft sex. I may have muddled my adjectives there, but in any case refuse his advances. Jupiter swings into your jet-setting ninth house for a year on August 11, making you a citizen of the world. Yes, international travel is very much on the agenda, along with orange jump suits, water sports and invitations to show and tell. Enjoy!
Lucky man: Malcolm McDowell
Lucky vegetable: Kohl Rabi
Independent - spirited Aquarius, maybe you never thought of yourself as “a relationship person” before, but 2015 could totally change your mind. After August 11, Jupiter moves into your playing-for-keeps eighth house for a year, amplifying your desire for a mind-body-soul connection. A bearded man smelling of strong drink will arrive at your door, and you won’t want to lose him! Ply him with sloe gin and lock him in the cupboard under the stairs until he agrees to consummate your relationship. Do I hear wedding bells? Maybe it’s just an ice cream van, but don’t give up hope!
From mid-August on, money could come in new ways. Discretion is the watchword here. When a close friend confesses a guilty secret, don’t tell the whole world – just threaten to. Blackmail is an ugly word, but exceptionally well starred for 2015. From the night of the new moon on February 18th mysterious strangers will start coming to your door. Beware - they are cunning, lying, untrustworthy, nepotistic, dishonest, and greedy. They want to be your MP. On no account get drawn into conversation, or worse, argument. Tell them that you will vote for them and they will go away.
Lucky porcelain: Capodimonte
Lucky instrument: Clavichord
Pisces, I can see your halo. Perseverance is a fine Piscean quality. With Jupiter in your house of selfless service until August, your efforts to improve your family’s lives will continue unabated, despite their determined opposition.
2015 is going to be a busy year for finance — the nephew of the deposed finance minister of Burkina-Faso will send you a strangely persuasive email asking for access to your bank account to house his surplus millions. The money offered is too much to ignore. It’s your call!
Saturn is also firing up your ambition engines, as he begins a three-year tour through your house of professional accomplishments. Sign up for Wordpress and take a SEO workshop and by December you could win a prestigious award to add to your Linked In profile. Jupiter moves on to your relationship house for a year on August 11, helping you break free from confining or unhealthy partnerships. Stock up on sloe gin. A bearded man with prison pallor and a drink habit will be found living in your garden shed. Hold hands and take a leap together. The September 13 eclipse could even bring a proposal!
Lucky tea: Darjeeling
Lucky cake: Madeira
Well, that's it for now. The Doodlecat is prostrate on his settee, exhausted by his prognostications. Have a great New Year everyone - and if any of this comes true ... don't say he didn't warn you!